this past weekend, i gave the sermon at mia's brother's wedding. mia married them, and i have to say we made a marvelous team. but while this all is enough food for thought, i find myself thinking more about the reception, when i was suddenly nursing a headache serious enough to cause me to lose interest in drinking. imagine your head pounding, labatt suddenly and uncharacteristically not looking appetizing, and a hundred strangers all smoking cigarettes coming up to you and telling you they liked your shiatty sermon.

so i'm leaning on something, and out on the dancing place is a couple completely loosing all control. i can only stand back and admire them in that way that the passionately self-conscious admire those who are able to swing their arms around and holler while dancing. the woman is a painter who is a friend of mia's family and i've met before. she is quite a beautiful woman, and with her is her husband, who looks like, and is, a computer something-something. long story short, they notice me, and (sweating from their exertions) come over to tell me they liked my shiatty sermon.

"you look under the weather," he says to me.

"um, i think i always look like that," i say. in response he reaches into his pocket and gives me a little, clear crystal. yes, he is all about the healing power of crystals. like a kid who was raised right, i try not to skip a beat--"right on, so what will this do for me?"

he reaches into his shirt and shows me this absolutely huge green crystal wound around with leather strings around his neck, and starts nodding his head. he says, "these are rocks, they formed over millions of years, so these things take time." and they were right back to dancing, and damned if they didn't keep going when they were the only ones dancing during the weird songs.

of all the things i should not like eating, Krystal is the one i should not like the most. but. i am sure next time i am in nashville, i will celebrate this article with a trip to the nolensville road krystal, where i will consume three dozen hamburgers. . .

now, the dude says he got all these horrible diseases from drinking the cleaning fluid they served him, when really the most likely cause might be his proclivity to eat at krystal in the first place. don't get me wrong--i was totally serious: when home, i do indulge in krystal. call it a return to childhood, when i cared naught for what horrid "food" i chose to incorporate into my physical-chemical makeup. as in most matters, the guiding principle will have to be, all things in moderation. what is worse for oneself--twice yearly experimentation with heroin, or twice yearly experimentation with krystal?

so, the article leaves out the most important piece of information: was this his morning ritual, or did he just think i've been driving past this krystal bullshit for like ten years, i should try one of those this morning...? and then he went in, and they fed him drano. how approriate. how krystal. what an authentic experience!

in high school, my friend chris and i were enjoying a few bags full of krystals, and he said, "didn't they open these places to feed the homeless?"

once upon a time i moved to north carolina. i had everything in my car with me, on I-40, headed towards chapel hill. just out of the mountains, traffic stopped, and i spent an hour sitting on the highway. once we started moving again, i made it up far enough to see what the problem was--this little truck with sideboards, filled up with tobacco, over turned and on fire. how very carolina.

because, north carolina's a cigarette state, you know. . .